The Journey Unintended

Go forward, though thou art lame…

I felt a bit sceptical at first, to be frank, and even had second thoughts on whether to continue, this being my first blog post. Writing never bemused me to the extent reading did, bringing explicitly into view my shyness on expressing myself. Writing has always been something I deeply revere but never bothered to intrigue myself in. However, at this point, I intend not to focus on this latent desire of mine, but on another aspect of my life, a journey, which was rather unintended.

Up until the present moment, my life would seem to boast of a mindful exaggeration of misshapen occurrences. I had however, considered the possibilities of having a perfectly well planned future, blooming into fruition at the onset of my professional globetrotting. Later though, I would come to personal terms with the veracity of my proposition. My experiences comprised of the multitudes of failures I would eventually face, most of which would be hard to cope up with personally.

Through most of my childhood years, till the time I reached my teens, I had not given so much, as to say, a priority on the prospect of having an illustrious career. Fleeting desires of being a medical practitioner however surged up my instincts. In reality, I never bothered to invest a definitive amount of time on his rather, temporary ‘distraction’ of mine. In the years that went by, my perspective on these provocative thoughts, meanwhile, began to widen instinctively, the details of which, I would not, for the time being, bore you with.

Shifting through school years, personally, I seemed to inculcate a rather competitive air about myself, focusing on scoring as many marks as possible, irrespective of the subject, seemingly unaware if I even liked them or not. Continuing on this purge, I seemed to get a good grasp on the things taught, especially in Mathematics, however, most of the time, my marks reflected otherwise. The reasons for that would be many, rest assured, fear of failure, would be one of them, complemented by the teacher’s expectations, which I regret seemed to slowly fade away in the aftermath. A delayed personal analysis into this ‘anomaly’ of mine reflected the fact that, I intended to focus more on the achievements and recognitions of the ‘topper’, so as to say, rather than improving upon my own shortcomings. I would seemingly obsess upon my failure of not defeating the topper, than feeling satisfied of scoring a decent grade. Upon looking back, I realised that I had wasted a definitive amount of time, sullying over others achievements, resulting in utter downfall of confidence and self respect and being reluctant to analyse my own progress over the years.

Years progressed otherwise, with a necessary shift in academic priorities. Following in the footsteps of a typical Engineering aspirant, I too, unaware of the implications that would eventually follow, joined the bandwagon in preparing for the coveted JEE to strive for a seat in the prestigious IITs. The initial days were holistically spent by me in trying to figure out the simplest of problems, which to my utter disappointment, most of the students in the class could easily solve. To let the feeling of utmost despair sink in, I started repeatedly solving the fraction of problems which I had solved earlier, resulting in an unwanted compromise during the onset of my preparations. Later on, as I realised many of those mistakes which earlier had been oblivious to me, I came upon the fact that, I had been conniving at the thought of failing to solve relatively tougher problems, which eventually, would effectively bring out the inadequacies in my preparation. This single thought, inhibited a complete progress in my preparation, thereby resulting in a failure to secure a seat in any of the IITs. Impending inability to score to the best of my knowledge, led me to feeling of remorse, depriving me of any sense of confidence.

However, my preparation went undeterred, and fate brought me over to God’s own country, Kerala, where I currently pursue my Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science from Amrita School of Engineering, Amritapuri Campus. On a broader perspective, the past experiences have brought out certain idiosyncrasies and shortcomings on the personal front, which previously, had been unknown to me. Rest assured, keeping in mind my perspective on the future at hand, these setbacks, would presumably be of consequential help as I delve into newer challenges in a place away from home, ready to face the opportunities that lay ahead.